Betrayal trauma refers to a betrayal within a relationship that damages trust, safety, and security to the bond one shares with a parent, family member, friend or intimate partner.
Betrayal trauma can be emotionally distressing and life-altering. Betrayal steals the survivor’s sense of security and places them in an emotional free fall. Betrayal may cause the survivor of the betrayal to question their view of the world. Before the betrayal, the world may have looked and felt like a safe place. After the betrayal, the world may feel untrustworthy and brutal. Trauma can block your intuition. When you feel betrayed by a person who is supposed to love, support, and respect you, their world completely shatters.
You may begin to question your thoughts, feelings and actions. You may shift the blame to yourself by asking, “ What could I have done to prevent this from happening? ” For example, a person whose partner cheated on them may ask the question, “ What can I change about myself to keep him/her from cheating? In dealing with family dysfunction, one may begin to question, How can I make my family understand that they are hurting me? Am I doing something to cause this hurt? When a trust-based relationship is betrayed, the survivor is left in conflict with their desire to connect to the betrayer versus the desire for self-protection.
Betrayal Trauma causes the fear center of the brain, the amygdala, to go into overdrive. Flight, fight or freeze is the body’s response to fear. When in a constant state of stress, the body can freeze; Therefore, causing more confusion in our decision-making because there isn’t energy left in the judgment and rational thinking part of the brain. Several physical responses to betrayal trauma are:
Hypervigilance: state of increased alertness and extreme sensitivity to your surroundings. Often, you are alert to hidden dangers, whether from other people or the environment. Most often, these dangers are not real.
Restlessness: an inability to rest, relax, or concentrate.
Anxiety: your body's natural response to stress. It's a feeling of fear or apprehension about what's to come.
Disruptive Mood Regulation: is characterized by a persistently irritable or angry mood and frequent temper outbursts that are disproportionate to the situation and significantly more severe than the typical reaction
The consequences of feeling betrayed may affect a person's self-esteem and make them feel neglected, unworthy and unlovable. People who have experienced betrayal trauma are less likely to say, No, to others. Some people become people pleasers, Good Samaritans, and/or rescuers to hide their feelings of inadequacy and shame.
Healing from Betrayal Trauma
Open up to a safe person : Therapy is a confidential, non judgmental safe space to allow yourself to explore your emotions regarding feeling betrayed. Expressing your thoughts, feelings and working through your trauma will allow you to begin to work towards your healing.
Make a self-care plan : Self-care is taking care of yourself. Self-care is loving yourself. Whether that is meditation, physical exercise, or eating a balanced diet, choose healthy activities that enrich your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
Create effective boundaries: Boundaries are expectations that you create to protect yourself from mental, emotional, spiritual and physical harm. Boundaries include non-negotiables, which are behaviors that are not willing to accept and are harmful to your well-being. Expressing and enforcing these boundaries to others will protect your entire well-being.
Create a Bill of Rights: Writing a personal Bill of Rights is a great way for you to decide what you want, need and deserve to heal from a betrayal as well as how to continue to take care of yourself post-betrayal.
Plan of Action: Expressing what your plans are if your boundaries are violated by a loved one. A plan of action lets others know what the consequences of their actions will be.
Extending yourself grace and compassion and empathy during your healing process.
Blythe, A. (2020, August 22). Betrayal Trauma Symptoms: Am I Crazy? Retrieved September 02, 2020, from https://www.btr.org/betrayal-trauma-symptoms/
Center of Relation Recovery (2015). Retrieved September 02, 2020, from https://www.relationalrecovery.com/complex-betrayal-trauma-emotional-dysregulation/
Skinner, D., LMFT, CSAT-S. (2018, June 18). Starting Healing from Betrayal Trauma: Establishing Safety. Retrieved September 02, 2020, from https://www.addorecovery.com/betrayal-trauma/starting-healing-from-betrayal-trauma-establishing-safety